Things that come to my mind while living here are difficult
to put into words. Let me try to
explain. Have you ever had one of those floaters in your eye? One that drifts through your line of sight
and if you try to look at it, it moves away.
Sometimes they drive me crazy because I want to really get a look at it
and I can’t. It jumps away as soon as I try
to begin analyzing it. The best I’ve
been able to tell, some of these little guys look like a clear little amoeba or
a little streamer. If you haven’t had
these, this sounds crazy, I know. But, it’s how I feel with my thoughts
sometimes. I can’t quite look at them or grab hold of them to see what they
really look like or put words to them.
I know I’ll never have all the answers, but I know I’ll
never be the same. I don’t want the
level of change that I allow in my life to be at the surface level- give more
money to missions, spend less on myself, and be intentional with investing in
people’s lives. Sure, I want to do all
of these things, but I want it to be more than that. I don’t want to simply change my behaviors,
but my heart. Changing my behaviors will
make me “feel” better. It will make me feel like I’m at least doing something
in response to all the needs I saw and keep the weight of the immense needs of
the world at a bearable level. Doing something to help is not bad, but if my
motivation stems from the desire to keep these unpleasant, difficult thoughts
from my line of sight so I don’t really have to look at them; that is not ok. I
want God to so deeply change my heart that with His help, I can stare issues,
questions & pain in the face and say, “ok, now what?” What is really going to make a difference for
another person’s life and what will make a difference that will last and bring
God glory? How can I get out of the way, what can I sacrifice, where can I
invest long-term?
I could find myself so perplexed by life that I could just
say its all a mess, I don’t understand and just move on. Or I can dig deep,
hang on tight, wrestle, chew on the tough stuff, the grit and get some traction
and really LOOK at it no matter how much concentration and heartache it takes.
I have a feeling that if take the latter route; I’m going to do more than
change a few behaviors & habits. I
hope that it changes who I am, the choices I’ll make, the focus & direction
of my life, how I see God, my place in His big plan and how I can better be
used by Him for a purpose that makes a difference for eternity.
I’m faced with 2
options:
Option A: Go back to the puzzle that mostly makes
sense. The one where I decide how much
time to give to this activity, money to give to this organization and energy to
give to this cause. The puzzle where
I’ve fit things together how it makes sense to me, is convenient for me and
causes the least discomfort for me.
Notice a theme? My puzzle fits
together in a way that works for ME. It
might have the illusion of being a life centered around Christ and even have
several pieces that seem to look good in the life of a Christian, but what am I
sacrificing? Whose life am I impacting for eternity? Who have I shared the life-changing truth of
the gospel with this week? In this
puzzle, I’m living in a comfortable version of Christianity that is safe and
low-risk. I’m holding the puzzle pieces and putting them where I think they are
supposed to fit.
News flash…the puzzle pieces are not mine, nor are they mine
to decide where they “fit.”
Option B: Wade through the broken messy pieces, roll up my
sleeves and let God put them back together in a way that I could never
image. This one doesn’t make sense, its
scary, its messy and broken. It requires
me to look at the pain, confusion & all of the things that seem
unfair. This one has Christ in the
center of EACH piece directing where they should go, which ones are to be put
in first, second & last. Which
pieces are big, which are small and which take time to fit together just
right. What does this look like
practically in my life in the midst of busy schedules, traffic, grocery
shopping, marriage, work, community group, relationships, just every day life? I have no idea. How do I live a life of
sacrifice that will glorify God above all else?
It’s not the popular way or the easy way, but I know it’s the best way.
This year is a gift. I’m seeing it more & more as a
privilege that I didn’t deserve. It’s
also a huge responsibly and a blessing that I am now asking God for wisdom on
how to steward this gift well. The
lessons, truths, experiences, challenges are all pieces that I can chose to put
in one puzzle piece called my “floater” puzzle piece. The one that is too
difficult to look at, requires too much concentration, focus & effort to
make sense of. I could fit it somewhere
in my puzzle and keep it in its place. Glance over at it every once in a while
and decide to do something to make me feel better.
Or, I can be patient.
Or even (Lord help me) break it up into even more pieces; ones I’ll
certainly have no idea where to put. But, I have a feeling it’s going to be far
more beautiful than any thing I could try and put together. Because where there
are broken pieces, there is healing. Where there are sad pieces; joy comes. In
the empty pieces; fulfillment comes. In the tired pieces, there is room for
rest. In the pieces there’s despair, there’s a home for hope. In the messy places, there is opportunity for
order. Only where there is weariness can
there be refreshment. Only where we are
poured out is their room for Christ to come and dwell. Where there is weakness,
there’s need for His strength. As hard as these things are to look at and face;
they ultimately result in good where evidence of God’s work can be seen. Why would I choose to sweep pain under the
rug, when it’s actually an opportunity to see God heal? Its like turning my face away from miracles
and that sounds even crazier than giving God all the pieces of my life, the
hard questions and asking Him to do great things.
I heard a sermon recently that was helpful as I wade through
these thoughts, which certainly could become overwhelming. The speaker said that you can’t steer a
parked car-it has to be moving. The same
is true with us and this journey through life.
God can’t direct us unless we are moving in some direction. The speaker challenged us to just do the next
thing. Certainly ask God for wisdom along the way but if we are always waiting
for some perfect, clear answer, we may stay a parked car forever. I don’t think he meant to jump at every
opportunity that comes our way, but to do it God’s way and be wise, but not to
be paralyzed by fear or uncertainty.
Take a step and ask God which step is next and keep moving forward. If
it’s wrong; ask God to help you make changes and keep moving. Learn, grow and
move ahead. Just start obeying, get out of the way and whatever it is that God
is directing; take action. He gave the
illustration of us constantly getting off the alter and questioning. He reminded us that we are to give our lives
as living sacrifices and to be willing to say “here’s my life, do with it what
You will.” 
So as I look ahead to this new year, there are many
uncertainties. Many pieces of the puzzle I want to fit together, but I will do
my best, with God’s strength, to be patient. I will choose to wait, decide to
think deeply, refuse the easy answers and give each piece of the puzzle to
Him. My prayer for this year is that God
would put my questions, fears, hopes, hurts, desires, heartache, joy, ambitions
and weave them together in a way that helps me to see Him more, how to love
others better and ultimately glorify Him with every piece.