So how does it feel to be back?
Good question.
In the last 35 days, we have moved back from Haiti, moved
into an apartment, unpacked, painted, gone to church, to Fredericksburg to get
Tim’s car, unpacked more, gone to community group, a going a away party, back
to work, to Richmond for 3 nights for Labor day, to Farmville to see Amy,
shopping to set up our apartment, going to appointments, updating insurance,
car stuff, phone plans, address changes,
life details, catching up with friends, etc…
So I’m not really sure.
These first few weeks have been very heavy on logistics and light on
processing and feelings. Except for that one day when I cried.
Because why do I get to come and go back to a life of
comfort and ease when so many are seemingly stuck in deplorable conditions?
What is my responsibility to those I’ve met and the needs
I’ve seen?
How do I help meet needs THERE when I am HERE and in a way
that makes sense and is effective? (while also engaging in life and ministry here
helping to meet needs right where I’m at) For the moment I feel like I’m not
doing a darn thing to help anyone because I’m not there but I’m also not fully
here. Meeting needs was so tangible and outward and here I almost feel like I
need to go find a way to help.
What kind of help and for whom? How do I choose when the
needs seem so overwhelming?
I’m back at a desk with excessive AC , 3 meals a day, plus
snacks, and my own car and money to put gas in it, a comfy bed, a full wardrobe,
education, opportunity, enrichment, pleasure and pretty much anything I want
right at my fingertips. And there are all of the hidden things that just seem
like a given like they just exist everywhere, but actually don’t. 24/7
electricity, hot and cold water that is safe to drink and available in multiple
rooms in every house, safe roads to drive on, enforced laws and overall safety,
etc…
Yet, mothers are still hauling water great distances,
selling items on the street, forced to leave their children in unsafe
conditions and children are enslaved, hungry, isolated and without care, love
and safety day after day after day.
My mind is haunted by these images of orphanages bursting at
the seams around every corner and my heart is heavy with a desire to do
SOMETHING. Families feel an orphanage is
the only option for their children to be fed, clothed and receive some type of
education. In so many cases, these children are LOVED yet left to the care of
an institution. They have parents who
would care for them if they could. The issues are so much bigger and deeper than
what they seem.
What am I possibility supposed to do with this information?
I feel this sort of pressure to have these obvious
differences in my life based on all of this. But, what are they? Maybe its
pride wanting me to look better or some outward evidence that I am doing
something to help because what kind of person would just come home and not have
some obvious differences in their life? I know I’m different, but how?
In some ways I think that if I allow myself to settle in and
embrace my life here that it somehow signifies moving on and that somehow that
means forgetting. I’m afraid I’m not doing enough or giving enough or changed
enough. But this is about me and if anything I’ve learned it is SO not about
me. I’m humbled over and over again to shift my focus off of me and ultimately
back to HIM where I can then see clearly again. This is where I can see the
changes He is doing in my heart and as this beautiful and painful process
unfolds, my heart is molded more like His and the natural response to the needs
around me are to love others and help them see Jesus.
My inward view is complicated, full of pressure, desire to please &
perform and for the world to say yes she is different and I want to be like
her. When I take my eyes off of me, it is simple, my
view is full of peace, desiring to worship & adore and for the world to say
yes HE is working in her and I want to be like HIM.
