Puzzle Pieces

 

In an effort to make sense of the thoughts running around in my mind, I decided to write.  I’m afraid that if I don’t let these realizations, questions, bewilderments, observations and questions work themselves out somehow in my mind that I will dismiss them and not allow them to reshape how I think, feel & act because of what I’ve experienced. Believe me, its tempting to want to dismiss these things, shoo them away and dwell on things that make sense and that are neat, tidy and already figured out.  Deep down I don’t really want to do that, but realizing that life is way more complicated, painful, confusing and imperfect is a hard thing to grapple with.

Things that come to my mind while living here are difficult to put into words.  Let me try to explain. Have you ever had one of those floaters in your eye?  One that drifts through your line of sight and if you try to look at it, it moves away.  Sometimes they drive me crazy because I want to really get a look at it and I can’t.  It jumps away as soon as I try to begin analyzing it.  The best I’ve been able to tell, some of these little guys look like a clear little amoeba or a little streamer.  If you haven’t had these, this sounds crazy, I know. But, it’s how I feel with my thoughts sometimes. I can’t quite look at them or grab hold of them to see what they really look like or put words to them.

I know I’ll never have all the answers, but I know I’ll never be the same.  I don’t want the level of change that I allow in my life to be at the surface level- give more money to missions, spend less on myself, and be intentional with investing in people’s lives.  Sure, I want to do all of these things, but I want it to be more than that.  I don’t want to simply change my behaviors, but my heart.  Changing my behaviors will make me “feel” better. It will make me feel like I’m at least doing something in response to all the needs I saw and keep the weight of the immense needs of the world at a bearable level. Doing something to help is not bad, but if my motivation stems from the desire to keep these unpleasant, difficult thoughts from my line of sight so I don’t really have to look at them; that is not ok. I want God to so deeply change my heart that with His help, I can stare issues, questions & pain in the face and say, “ok, now what?”  What is really going to make a difference for another person’s life and what will make a difference that will last and bring God glory? How can I get out of the way, what can I sacrifice, where can I invest long-term?

I could find myself so perplexed by life that I could just say its all a mess, I don’t understand and just move on. Or I can dig deep, hang on tight, wrestle, chew on the tough stuff, the grit and get some traction and really LOOK at it no matter how much concentration and heartache it takes. I have a feeling that if take the latter route; I’m going to do more than change a few behaviors & habits.  I hope that it changes who I am, the choices I’ll make, the focus & direction of my life, how I see God, my place in His big plan and how I can better be used by Him for a purpose that makes a difference for eternity. 

I’m faced with 2 options:

Option A: Go back to the puzzle that mostly makes sense.  The one where I decide how much time to give to this activity, money to give to this organization and energy to give to this cause.  The puzzle where I’ve fit things together how it makes sense to me, is convenient for me and causes the least discomfort for me.  Notice a theme?  My puzzle fits together in a way that works for ME.  It might have the illusion of being a life centered around Christ and even have several pieces that seem to look good in the life of a Christian, but what am I sacrificing? Whose life am I impacting for eternity?  Who have I shared the life-changing truth of the gospel with this week?  In this puzzle, I’m living in a comfortable version of Christianity that is safe and low-risk. I’m holding the puzzle pieces and putting them where I think they are supposed to fit. 

News flash…the puzzle pieces are not mine, nor are they mine to decide where they “fit.”

Option B: Wade through the broken messy pieces, roll up my sleeves and let God put them back together in a way that I could never image.  This one doesn’t make sense, its scary, its messy and broken.  It requires me to look at the pain, confusion & all of the things that seem unfair.  This one has Christ in the center of EACH piece directing where they should go, which ones are to be put in first, second & last.  Which pieces are big, which are small and which take time to fit together just right.  What does this look like practically in my life in the midst of busy schedules, traffic, grocery shopping, marriage, work, community group, relationships, just every day life?  I have no idea. How do I live a life of sacrifice that will glorify God above all else?  It’s not the popular way or the easy way, but I know it’s the best way.

This year is a gift. I’m seeing it more & more as a privilege that I didn’t deserve.  It’s also a huge responsibly and a blessing that I am now asking God for wisdom on how to steward this gift well.  The lessons, truths, experiences, challenges are all pieces that I can chose to put in one puzzle piece called my “floater” puzzle piece. The one that is too difficult to look at, requires too much concentration, focus & effort to make sense of.  I could fit it somewhere in my puzzle and keep it in its place. Glance over at it every once in a while and decide to do something to make me feel better.

Or, I can be patient.  Or even (Lord help me) break it up into even more pieces; ones I’ll certainly have no idea where to put. But, I have a feeling it’s going to be far more beautiful than any thing I could try and put together. Because where there are broken pieces, there is healing. Where there are sad pieces; joy comes. In the empty pieces; fulfillment comes. In the tired pieces, there is room for rest. In the pieces there’s despair, there’s a home for hope.  In the messy places, there is opportunity for order.  Only where there is weariness can there be refreshment.  Only where we are poured out is their room for Christ to come and dwell. Where there is weakness, there’s need for His strength. As hard as these things are to look at and face; they ultimately result in good where evidence of God’s work can be seen.  Why would I choose to sweep pain under the rug, when it’s actually an opportunity to see God heal?  Its like turning my face away from miracles and that sounds even crazier than giving God all the pieces of my life, the hard questions and asking Him to do great things.

I heard a sermon recently that was helpful as I wade through these thoughts, which certainly could become overwhelming.  The speaker said that you can’t steer a parked car-it has to be moving.  The same is true with us and this journey through life.  God can’t direct us unless we are moving in some direction.  The speaker challenged us to just do the next thing. Certainly ask God for wisdom along the way but if we are always waiting for some perfect, clear answer, we may stay a parked car forever.  I don’t think he meant to jump at every opportunity that comes our way, but to do it God’s way and be wise, but not to be paralyzed by fear or uncertainty.  Take a step and ask God which step is next and keep moving forward. If it’s wrong; ask God to help you make changes and keep moving. Learn, grow and move ahead. Just start obeying, get out of the way and whatever it is that God is directing; take action.  He gave the illustration of us constantly getting off the alter and questioning.  He reminded us that we are to give our lives as living sacrifices and to be willing to say “here’s my life, do with it what You will.”

So as I look ahead to this new year, there are many uncertainties. Many pieces of the puzzle I want to fit together, but I will do my best, with God’s strength, to be patient. I will choose to wait, decide to think deeply, refuse the easy answers and give each piece of the puzzle to Him.  My prayer for this year is that God would put my questions, fears, hopes, hurts, desires, heartache, joy, ambitions and weave them together in a way that helps me to see Him more, how to love others better and ultimately glorify Him with every piece.