Wilsons to Haiti: My Letter to The Orphan

Dear Baby,

It’s been brewing for a while, I suppose. It felt like restlessness, questions, sadness and confusion all brewing just beneath the surface. Sometimes I sensed a dark cloud that hung low and created edginess in my attitude & spirit. I wanted to distance myself from these feelings because I couldn’t make sense of it all. I couldn’t fix it. The struggles I am seeing are not fair. I wanted it to all go away.

But I couldn’t hold back any longer.

The last little thread that was holding it all together finally let loose and all the pieces came crumbling apart.

It wasn’t a vase, fine China, a trophy or a prized possession.

It was my heart that came undone.

For you.

I’ve held you in China, America, Romania & now Haiti and I have always wanted to fix the problems, make things better, do more and get answers to my many questions.

Why are you in that crib? Where are your mommy & daddy? What must their hearts feel like? Do you remember the comfort of your mama’s beating heart? Was she sick? How did you get that scar? How do the nannies do it? What would it have taken for someone to be able to feed you and keep you safe? How often they must wonder about you. What are you thinking? How are these experiences shaping you? Where were you born? Who held you first? Do their arms ache to hold you again? Will you know the love of a family? Who will notice your firsts, your lasts, your giggles, your steps, your hurts, your joys, all the little things…Why does it have to be this way?

And I cried.

And cried.

Tears…

for the loss you’ve experienced in your short months here on earth.

for the loneliness you feel in that crib.

for your family who longs to have you near.

for the hunger your tummy feels.

for the times no one comes.

for the nights you’ve rocked yourself to sleep.

for your proud moments that no one has noticed.

for those adorable little giggles that no one hears.

for the warm bath and fuzzy jammies you’ve never had.

for the blankie you need.

for the ache your heart must feel.

for the long days and longer nights.

for the nannies who wish they could do more.

for the hurt that went unkissed.

for the babies who are now big kids too soon.

for the big kids who wonder why their friends leave and never come back.

for the ache of wishing that family was coming for “me” today.

for the big kid who is now 18 and who is suddenly faced with the cruel realities of life alone and unprepared.

This is not the way its supposed to be and I wish I could make it all right for you. You didn’t make a mistake or do anything to deserve this tough road.

But, I want you to know something.

You matter.

A lot.

Your life is important; you are not a mistake and you, little one, are precious. You were created by a Father who knows and loves you more than I could ever fathom. You may feel forgotten, but you are always on His mind. You probably feel alone, but he’s never left your side. He’s bigger than all the cares, hurts and questions of this world. He is the best Father, healer, comforter, restorer and friend. He is the one who will never leave nor forsake you and He has a plan for you that is good. My limited view has trouble seeing His big plan, but I’m learning to trust it because in my weakness, He is strong. He is faithful.

I promise.

Finally I have realized. I haven’t come only to hold you, or even save you from your circumstances, to rescue you or even to make you mine. As much as my earthly heart truly longs to do those things. So many factors limit my already frail abilities.

I’ve met you, held your hand, snuggled you and hoped for you. Sadly, these moments are few and I could never give each of you all that you deserve.

I’ve noticed your big, brown, longing eyes peering at me from the other side of the room. You’ve accepted my subtle invitation to come. You’ve melted into my lap for a few moments of safety, nearness, touch and comfort.

Now that I’ve met you and I know your name, one thing can continue.

I can pray.

Our time together will come and go, but my ability to take your sweet name before the Father will not. I no longer will pray for “orphans”. I will pray for YOU. I will pray that the One who is all-powerful who created you would continue to sustain you, provide for you, remind you of your worth and pour His extravagant love over your life. I will pray that He would guide your steps, protect you from harm, encourage you and most importantly draw you into a relationship with Him. On this earth, you may be labeled as an orphan, but you know what? You are a beloved, prized, one-of-a-kind daughter or son of the MOST HIGH GOD!

My abilities fall short, my hands are only 2, my heart is weak, but He is strong, limitless and baby He’s your Daddy. He’s not missed a thing about your life. He beams with pride over His beautiful creation. He loves that sparkle in your eye. He sees when you’re a stinker, He’s with you in the dark, He hears every beat your heart makes and He is crazy about you.