Waves of thoughts...

I thought I just wrote a post about us being here for 40 more days.

Now we are down to...

20.

What?

In some ways I feel like I'm running through mud in slow motion racing to the finish line. I want some things to go slowly...others can hurry themselves right along?! Without naming names...MOSQUITOS, HEAT & DUST. Did I mention the mosquitoes? 

I think I'm most excited for the transition part to be over; not necessarily our time here, but the messy part where boxes & suitcases and my emotions explode everywhere for a while before we find our new normal.

Again.

We got married, set up an apartment, packed up an apartment and moved here all within 4 months. I think as we unpack again it will feel like we are back to just having gotten married and setting up again but with this crazy, wild, adventurous 11-month detour. Even now as we look at photos from our wedding and honeymoon we look at "those people" and we know that OF COURSE it’s "us." 

But changed.

When we fly home in 3 weeks, we are not flying home the same people. I can't even process or get into all the ways I've changed over these last months.  I also realize that time at home didn't pause. People are a year older, people have gotten married, people have moved, babies born, jobs changed, challenges faced, life has moved on.  Someone said that it will be like first year of marriage, part 2. This was 1a…we are entering 1b. We know how to be newlyweds in Haiti; we don’t know what it will be like in the U.S. Everything we really know and have figured out about marriage is in the context of Haiti so I know we will have a lot to learn and adjust to individually as well as a couple as we settle in back home.

We are a different version of ourselves going to a different version of home.

Yes, our cars, belongings, winter wardrobe, friends, church, family, furniture, wedding presents, etc...all await with some level of familiarity, but I know it will not be the place we left. I get a little flutter of nerves every once in a while when I think about finding my place again. Who am I now?

I feel like I’m going through junior high in some ways, trying to figure out who I am again and how to relate, what to say, how to dress, self conscious about this person that even I feel unsure about…a little awkward at best some days.

We can't explain what this year has meant to us, even if we wanted to. It will take us months or even years to see all the ways we are not who we once were. Changes we won't even realize and at depths we won’t see for a long time. Some things might not even be visible to us, but others will notice.

My view, heart, mind and attitude towards so many things have changed and to be honest I don’t know how to translate all of that into life in the U.S.  Questions about poverty, suffering, what it means to truly help those in need, injustice, hunger, loneliness, …will continue to circle around my mind, I’m sure. Bigger than these questions, my prayer is that God will move in my heart in such a way that I don’t wait for perfect answers before I respond. The truth is, many answers may not be known on this side of heaven. I want to act in response to things God calls me to and focus my time, energy and resources moving towards the Answer, along side those who need so desperately need to see hope, joy, and strength that can come only from Him.

Basically I don’t want my fears and lack of answers to paralyze me from reaching out, taking notice, seeing beyond and pointing people to Him. I’ll make mistakes and create more questions but I know that drawing near to Him and caring for those He puts in my path will never be the wrong choices.

More than anything I want to come home with an attitude of patience, grace and humility. Not prideful and puffed up by having done this "great thing”. By God's grace, we took a step of faith and God moved mountains. He didn't move BECAUSE we did anything great or wonderful. He IS great and wonderful and has allowed us a front row seat to something so much bigger than ourselves. He carried and sustained us through the power of the Holy Spirit and tangibly through the kindness and generosity of friends, families & strangers. 

Can I say a quick p.s.? Ok thanks...there are people who financially supported us and I have NO idea who they are...how amazing is that!? Seriously. Strangers. God prompted people I've never even met to give to us...and they did! We are not the only ones who did something "crazy" or took a step of faith.  It just so happens we were on the receiving end of it all and in a more visible position than the rest of the people who played a part. God did all kinds of amazing things to make this year here in Haiti even possible. It was definitely NOT us. The last time I checked, most people are not just handing out money to random people to go live on an island for a year, in a guesthouse to serve and care for those God places on their path. Only God could have orchestrated these details; to HIM be the glory.

August 15^th won't be one of our whirlwind trips home to visit. We are going back. To settle in. To live. To connect and to continue to grow into the people God wants us to be. That hasn't changed. God is still at work, no matter where we live.

So while it’s easy to see this year coming to an end as some grand finish line, it’s actually just another step. Another step in the plans and purposes God is working out day after day. He has always been at work and will continue to be whether we are in Haiti or anywhere else.  This year has taught me more about who I am, who God is and what it means to serve Him as a part of the body of Christ. These are things that don’t come to an end. You don’t stop learning these lessons. This year the mountaintops were higher and valleys were lower than other seasons, but God hasn’t budged.  He is our Rock and is the same yesterday, today and forever. So in the midst of my figuring out; He is in control and just like every day on this the journey, I’ll continue to look to Him and trust Him to provide & direct.  I’ve learned to trust His timing, purpose and plans at a deeper level than I’ve ever needed to before and I can only imagine what He has in store as we continue serving Him!