A Different Kind of Thankful

This Thanksgiving, I’m a different kind of thankful.  I don’t really know how to describe it, other than a deep, uncluttered, peaceful thanks.  It’s amazing how just a couple months away from life as you’ve always known it can dramatically change your perspective. I also fear how quickly life can go back to “normal” when removed from these circumstances. (more thoughts on this later)

Today as I think about life and the incredible privilege of serving a God who allows us to be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves, our ideas and our plans, I am struck by what almost feels like an ache…heartache, I think.  My heart is so full just from the 9 weeks we’ve been here.  It feels like a big twisted ball of mental pictures, moments, beauty, pain, growth, questions, love, grief, hope and gratitude.

I’m thankful for all of the ways that God is shaping my heart. Its not easy, but its so worth it.  I’m grateful for the new perspective, but I’m also wrestling with how I came to this new appreciation because it has come as a result of seeing the brokenness and challenges that so many face.  Am I somehow unknowingly adding to their pain by using this experience as a way to simply reshape my self-centered perspective?  If all that I’ve seen and experienced simply brings me to a deeper level of gratitude for life, God’s grace and work in my life, these things wouldn’t be bad. However, I don’t think the point is to be changed and go home. I want all of these experiences to shape me and grow me in order to serve God better, more effectively and passionately.

My heart longs for new things and I’m grateful for that, but challenged by the overwhelming responsibility I feel to do something about it. I know that I can only do so much and that God is ultimately in control, but whatever task He puts in front of me, I want to be faithful with it.

I’ve seen first hand the truth that joy does not come from having more. It’s actually been quite the opposite. I appreciate all of the “things” God has given me and they do make life more enjoyable and easier at the surface level.  But in a way, I can allow these gifts to become too important and piled so high that they block my view of what’s truly valuable. The true purpose of gifts in my life is to bless others and glorify the One who gives them. I so easily forget this.

This year has been a whirlwind and I could never recount all the blessings it has brought.  

If I tried, I’d say:

Committing my life to loving and serving alongside Timothy Wilson wherever God leads! If the first 6 months are any indication of the rest of the adventures we’ll have, we better hang on tight!

Experiencing the love, care & community of friends & family making our wedding day the celebration it was. It was my favorite day ever. I’ve never felt so loved.

God planting the crazy idea to move to Haiti to run a guesthouse into our hearts and seeing Him pave the way.

His grace in allowing US to do this. We recognize that anyone could have run a guesthouse, but He allowed us the privilege of stepping out in faith and trusting Him in a new way.

Countless friends, family & strangers who supported us financially, spiritually & emotionally as we embarked on this journey.

God providing friends & community here in Haiti.

Love for a new culture, way of life & perspective.

The incredible joy of seeing children leave behind the life of an orphan and become a beloved child in a loving family. Truly amazing!  (and how it is a tangible example of God’s adoption of us into his family)

God’s sustaining grace in some pretty challenging times of adjustment.

So, I guess my heart aches from the weight of the goodness God has shown in my life, gratitude for His provision, mixed with the heaviness of the new, deeper longings in my heart. Namely, that I’d live my life in a way that matters for eternity, that no child would be without the love of a family and that tangible needs would be met in people’s lives in a sustaining way that points them to the Giver of all things.

My prayer is that I’ll use the gifts He’s given in way that honors Him and in some small way that my life will be an offering of Thanksgiving to Him!